Chapter 4 On Renovation and Restoration

The renovation and restoration phase of spiritual transformation involves the strengthening, repairing and detoxifying of the entire subtle body, which includes the vital energy, mental, and discernment sheaths.  The sensations felt during this phase include movements in the head such as tingles, drilling, pinpoints, vibrations, and flowing currents.  These sensations are due to the actions of the flow of energy in the nadis and brain centers.  The movement of this energy is necessary to assure that the purification and strengthening of the nadis will occur. 

Joan Harrigan: The Science of Spiritual Transformation 

We have often heard it said: “Be careful what you pray for.”  My prayer during this retreat:  “If only I am able to bring this overpowering and overflowing love that I experience during meditation into my outward world of people, my living reality.  It could transform the world, set it ablaze.” At the time of this prayer, I knew little to nothing of the renovation and restoration process that must take place before this reality could exist. 

Once a decision is made to renovate, and all the steps have been put in place, and the contractors have started their preliminary work of removing moldings, tearing down walls, ripping our doors and windows, removing flooring, it is hardly the time to change your mind because of the mess and confusion that may have been created.  One just has to continue and have faith that all will work out; although you may have moments when you may wonder why you began in the first place.

This is certainly what I experienced during the last days of our retreat and the return home.  The release of spiritual energies, once started, worked relentlessly on its renovation, doing what it seemed was necessary to bring about the changes that would lead to greater wholeness.  Once the task was in motion, there was no turning back.  Any resistance to this work at this stage would only create greater hardship. Yet, there were moments I did wonder if I could turn back. 

By the end of the retreat, I was not able to drive the car because the flow of energy into my brain during the night left my mind very disoriented.  During the day it would dissipate, but again at night during restless sleep, dreams and fantasies, it would build up again by morning. The flow of energy was now affecting every part of my body as more areas were opening very rapidly from this flow of energy through nadis as numerous as the nerve system in my body.  It was as if my energy level was turned up from two hundred volts to a thousand.  

As the energy traveled through me like water through a hose and blockages occurred, there was a burning like sensation that persisted until the pathways were cleared.  Sometimes this took days.  In the meantime, the pressure of the energy moving through new areas caused my limbs, shoulders and back to jerk and twist in contortions to facilitate its release from the obstruction.  Despite all this, I always had the assurance that what was happening was good.  The purpose of all of this, it seemed, was a purification, to free my body from toxins, to excavate all that had been a hindrance to wholeness.  As well, the bliss and faith that sprung from this whole process seemed to leave me with the confidence and assurance that everything was proceeding as it should.  So I joyfully surrendered to all that was happening, despite the confusion, uncertainty of where I was going, and the discomfort of the process itself.

At this time, I found it helpful to review again the qualities of surrender:

It is intentional:  It is the result of the free and unencumbered use of one’s will.  It is a free choice.  It may be called forth from one’s heart, but it never forced or compelled in any way.

It is conscious: One is wide awake and aware of everything that is happening at the time of surrender.  There is no dullness, no robotic mindlessness.

It involves responsibility for the consequences as well as for the act itself: If the surrender at any time or in any way results in destructiveness, one is willing to accept the responsibility for this.  There can be no blaming of any other person, cause, force or entity.

It is not directed toward any fully known object:  Thus it cannot in anyway be a means of furthering one’s self-definition or self-importance.  It must be directed toward the true Godhead, existing beyond all images and concepts.  Thereby, it becomes the giving of one’s own mysterious soul to the ultimate Mystery that created it, energized and sustained it, and called it forth.

It represents a willingness to engage the fullness of life with the fullness of oneself:  It cannot be an escape or avoidance.  It must be a “yes” rather than a “no”.

Gerald May:  "Will and Spirit"