Chapter 7 Witness to Change

By emergence, I am referring to my acceptance of the kundalini process as an impersonal force that is transforming me in ways that I cannot consciously control.   It means becoming reconciled to the fact that the “Old Phil” is really and truly dead, that there is to be no returning again to the immoderate lifestyle that I once “enjoyed.”, and that, henceforth, I cannot make any decisions for myself without the approbation of the inner adviser, whose voice speaks so clearly in times of need.  As for the changes that are taking place within me, I am a marveling witness to my own transformation.

Philip St. Romain:  Kundalini Energy and Christian Spirituality

It seems a little early for me to speak of emergence, just after exploring symptoms, but it is a good way to begin to speak about a death to a way of life (which was familiar and  comfortable) to a birth into a new way of being.  The transition between the before and the after are bound to be confusing and uncertain as the old world view crumbles away, and the new world view comes into place.  This is the renovation and restoration process spoken about by Joan Harrigan in her book “The Science of Spiritual Transformation”.  In a sense, my experience was that as the old world was falling away, a new world was coming into being. 

The most confusing aspect of this process was during the time when all or most of my self-definition suddenly collapsed and all that remained was a void which created the question: How can this space be refilled with something new, or do I even wish to do so?  Although this void was creating confusion, it was also very liberating and spacious.

Perhaps it would be good to first explain what I mean by my loss of self-definition.  In the past, whether it was work, recreation, church ministry, etc., there was always (often) an underlining motivational reason for doing what I did, and many of these reasons were not altruistic.  I worked to earn money, perhaps at times, money I did not really need.  I was driven to do things out of ambition, pleasure, expectation from peers, because everyone else was doing it, for success, to meet the approval of others, for recognition, for status, and hundreds of other reasons.  These many reasons largely created the motivational drives for my actions, and my exterior- self found its identification with these actions.  They were who I was; or how I saw myself.

During the renovation stage, many of these motivational reasons for doing disappeared, and with them, the inner motivation to continue to act out in this fashion.   Everything came into question.  Why am I doing this?  It was a discovery that many of my actions were done for “self”, or to create the illusion of a separate, static, permanent “self”.  When the "illusion" of this “separate self” was exposed during this renovation process, then many of the actions designed to perpetuate this "illusion" lost their sense of importance.  As I said before, it was confusing, but liberating; confusing from the fact that I did not know myself as before, liberating because these self-driven actions no longer held me captive to perform.  

This process of emergence or restoration begins through the acceptance of the loss of this illusionary permanent separate self (ego) and getting in touch with the “inner adviser  that lies at a deeper level of consciousness and is accessed through the silence, stillness and simplicity of meditative prayer.  Joan Harrigan would describe this “inner adviser” as coming from and part of the discernment sheath, one of the final layers of the subtle body.  As to whether this discernment sheath physically exists, I do not know, and really, it is not important to me whether it does or does not.  What is important is that her archetypal image of the subtle body provides a mechanism which allows me to understand this whole process of spiritual transformation.  When we possess both the understanding and the experience, then the process can be fully integrated into our being.

During this time of “void” or absence of “self”, I enjoyed a tremendous time of being in the present moment, being in touch with the inner self, being in touch with nature.  My health improved considerably as I began to spontaneously make changes to my diet to facilitate this inner healing.  I became physically stronger as I began to do more physical exercising to facilitate the increase in the flow of the emerging energies in my body.  I began to enjoy nature, and recreation like biking and skating.  And I plunged into my meditation with greater discipline and with growing conscious awareness.  At the same time, the ways of my old ministry were falling away, and I waited, in anticipation and some excitement to see what might emerge.  I certainly did not give up entirely on the old way of being and doing to enter completely into a new way.  There were many things I did before that I continued to do since they had always been a source of meaning and purpose in my life. But many of the old ways did go, and in time, I begin to experience the emergence of that which was more vibrant, more meaningful, and more wholesome.   

Phil described it so well above when he said: "I have become a marveling witness to my own transformation."