Empirical evidence seems to be growing that the consequences of emotional experiences from earliest childhood are stored in our bodies and nervous systems in the form of tension, anxiety, and various defense mechanisms. Ordinary rest and sleep do not get rid of them. But in an interior silence and the profound rest that this brings to the whole organism, these emotional blocks begin to soften up and the natural capacity of the human organism to throw off things that are harmful starts to evacuate them.
Thomas Keating: “Open Mind Open Heart”
Thomas Keating: “Open Mind Open Heart”
For the first thirty six days of my retreat, I entered deeply and intensely into the inner silence that flows from the practice of Christian meditation. This meditation, along with the extensive reading and reflection, had brought me to a state of inner silence. But the prayer requests recorded in my journal still reflected a need of further healing and surrender.
“Open to me the gates of holiness, I will enter and give thanks. This is the Lord’s own gate where the just may enter.”
On day thirty-six of my retreat, I recorded the following in my journal:
“I experienced the most unusual phenomena. I was listening to some tapes on St. John of the Cross on contemplation, and at the same time meditating. I was sitting in a chair and breathing normally. It was then that my breathing patters began to change starting with deep inhaling; then holding my breath. This deep pressured spontaneous breathing and holding of breath opened up areas in my chest, diaphragm, neck and sides. This continued for some time, opening up areas of my body that seemed previously devoid of energy flow.”
The next morning, during meditation, I experienced a strong flow of energy up through the central cavity of my body into my head. Despite some initial fear, I consented to let it happen. The energy seemed concentrated in my brain which later dissipated into my body. I felt like my brain was being restructured by an intense energy flow that moved through it. As I meditated, I had many visions including a truck going backwards down a hill, rock structures and cities crumbling to dust, and buildings falling over.
A little later, I experienced a strong pulse coming alive in my lower abdomen area.
The next day, during meditation, I again began to experience this energy flow again up through my body into the front part of my brain. It appeared as light, was uncomfortable, but I experienced no emotional concern since it seemed like a healing. It lasted for an hour. With this experience of energy came a vision of a scene that I was looking upon, as if through a window. In this vision, I was under a sea that was filled with murky, dirty, filthy and polluted water. The water had gross ugly sea monsters and creatures swimming about like predators. Murky sea weed swung about sometimes covering me. I experienced no fear since I was only looking on as an observer.
A little later, I experienced a strong pulse coming alive in my lower abdomen area.
The next day, during meditation, I again began to experience this energy flow again up through my body into the front part of my brain. It appeared as light, was uncomfortable, but I experienced no emotional concern since it seemed like a healing. It lasted for an hour. With this experience of energy came a vision of a scene that I was looking upon, as if through a window. In this vision, I was under a sea that was filled with murky, dirty, filthy and polluted water. The water had gross ugly sea monsters and creatures swimming about like predators. Murky sea weed swung about sometimes covering me. I experienced no fear since I was only looking on as an observer.
The next day during morning meditation, I again experienced a strong pulsing in my abdomen area. It filled me with a blissful light energy that flowed up through by body to my brain where it burnt slowly and blissfully in my mind. Then it suddenly exploded within into an ecstatic surrender of love that filled my body with an ecstasy. It was like I was turned into blissful fire. It lingered on for some hours leaving me, at times, in tears.
The pulsating in my lower abdomen was now becoming a fairly common activity, particularly during meditation. The energy flow from my lower abdomen into my brain often left my mind disoriented, confused, but also often blissful. New experiences were now being encountered so quickly that I often had the feeling of being out-of-control. At the same time, I carried no fear of the events. They seemed like a “letting go”; a transition to something better. So I let all these new experiences unfold with little resistance, even though I had no understanding of them or what next to expect. My body and mind seemed to be on automatic pilot, doing what was necessary to move towards, what seemed to be, greater health and wholeness. For example on the forty-second day of my retreat, I wrote:
“Light came suddenly down and covered me completely. I had the feeling of being in love. My body suddenly began to take on different breathing exercises. I followed my body’s impulses as it led me through neck rotations, neck stretches, raised arms with pressure to hands and outstretched fingers, spontaneous yoga like rotations and exercises with which I was not familiar, my eyes opening and closing, squinting etc. and many visual distortions including the seeing of auras and multiple windmills of light. This energy passing through my brain, at one time, triggered spontaneous emotions, one after the other, from sadness, to love, to tears, to yearning etc.
“Light came suddenly down and covered me completely. I had the feeling of being in love. My body suddenly began to take on different breathing exercises. I followed my body’s impulses as it led me through neck rotations, neck stretches, raised arms with pressure to hands and outstretched fingers, spontaneous yoga like rotations and exercises with which I was not familiar, my eyes opening and closing, squinting etc. and many visual distortions including the seeing of auras and multiple windmills of light. This energy passing through my brain, at one time, triggered spontaneous emotions, one after the other, from sadness, to love, to tears, to yearning etc.
In the days following, with the increased energy flow starting in the lower abdomen and rising to my brain through the spine, the situation became bazaar, particularly at night when I tried to sleep. I had a repeat of some of the previous experiences, except more intense and more real. The following is summarized from my journal on the forty-fifth day:
“Early in the morning, I was awakened by pulsating in my lower abdomen. I experienced a flow of energy in my lower back, up my spine, and into my head. Cyclical breathing seemed to be necessary to keep this charge going up my back to the base of the skull, across my shoulders and the back of my head, and over the crown. As this happened, the ceiling was whirling with small energy windmills that would often come down and touch my body and particularly my hands. They made by body alive with electrical charges. I surrendered to this phenomena in prayer, and as I did, it was as if these energy windmills came from where I was visioning them and into my eyes. I suddenly found myself in that area of the sub-conscious that was watery, grimy, dark, and full of gross creatures. This time I experienced fear. I prayed to leave this place but prayer did not work. Finally by turning to God in faith, I moved into another place more fearful than the one before. This place made me strangely aware of my past sins, even the ones I had forgotten.
Everything about me now seemed deceitful, manipulative, full of the lies that I had often told myself in the past; full of the things that I have said I would do, but never did. I was aware that even during those times that I committed to a complete surrender, I would often hold back part of myself. I sensed it was the place of the ego, that part of me that fooled myself, fooled others, but could not fool God. Then I became aware of my greatest sin. Despite my desire to surrender everything, sub-consciously I wanted to be someone; not for God, but for me; to be someone important. It weighed heavily on me, forcing me to see my own selfishness. I ached with the pain over this sin until great sobs welled up from deep within.
I then had a vision similar to the one I had seen before of everything beginning to crumble; large cities, houses, the earth, all falling away, torn apart. I saw sacred symbols, crosses and churches crumbling. Everything that I thought was important was destroyed. "What do you want to become?" was then the question. I wanted to turn away and pretend I was imagining this whole thing, and not make a commitment to anything in case it might be wrong. But finally, after some discernment, several things came forth:
Everything about me now seemed deceitful, manipulative, full of the lies that I had often told myself in the past; full of the things that I have said I would do, but never did. I was aware that even during those times that I committed to a complete surrender, I would often hold back part of myself. I sensed it was the place of the ego, that part of me that fooled myself, fooled others, but could not fool God. Then I became aware of my greatest sin. Despite my desire to surrender everything, sub-consciously I wanted to be someone; not for God, but for me; to be someone important. It weighed heavily on me, forcing me to see my own selfishness. I ached with the pain over this sin until great sobs welled up from deep within.
I then had a vision similar to the one I had seen before of everything beginning to crumble; large cities, houses, the earth, all falling away, torn apart. I saw sacred symbols, crosses and churches crumbling. Everything that I thought was important was destroyed. "What do you want to become?" was then the question. I wanted to turn away and pretend I was imagining this whole thing, and not make a commitment to anything in case it might be wrong. But finally, after some discernment, several things came forth:
I wanted to be a gentle presence to others
I wanted to love God with my whole heart, mind and soul
I wanted God’s love and joy and to know constantly of His presence
I wanted God’s wisdom and discernment to help others
I wanted God’s wisdom and discernment to help others
I wanted to be a channel of His peace
I wanted to accept myself with all my faults
I wanted to love my family
The time ended with silence; an absence.
Years later, I would compare this meditation experience with the Eastern archetypal image discussed in the previous chapter.
I end this chapter with some insights provided by Fr. Thomas Keating in his book, "Open Mind, Open Heart.
"As the deep peace flowing from contemplation releases our emotional blocks, insights into the dark side of our personality emerge and multiply. We blissfully imagine that we do good to our families, friends and business or professional associates for the best of reasons, but when this dynamism begins to operate in us, our so-called good intentions look like a pile of dirty dishrags. We perceive that we are not as generous as we had believed. This happens because the divine light is shining brighter in our hearts. Divine love, by its very nature, reveals to us our innate selfishness. As you continue to experience the reassurance that comes from interior peace, you have more courage to face the dark side of your personality and to accept yourself as you are. If in your psyche there are obstacles to opening yourself to God, divine love begins to show you what these are. If you let go of them, you will gradually unfold in the presence of God. The inner dynamism of contemplative prayer leads to the transformation of your whole personality. It brings about a change in your ways of perceiving and responding to reality. This process involves a structural change of consciousness.”
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