In China, there exists nine paintings which allegorically describes the human search for one’s “true self”. By reflecting on these paintings, we are able to trace our own journey to realization. This is particularly true to those who have experienced Kundalini Rising, the internal force that not only renovates the subtle body system, but restores one to a wholeness that is beyond ordinary comprehension. With these paintings, I share my own journey. Through your own reflection, you are invited to create your own story
The man to whom the Ox belongs is standing, looking all around in the thick forest. He cannot see where the Ox is gone. He is simply bewildered, confused. It is getting late and the sun is setting. Soon it will be night. Then going into the thick forest will become more difficult.
For many years, my life was a sum total of the external events that made it up. Work, study, dating, marriage, family, trips, career moves, entertainment, etc. There was little of turning inward to discover a life that may lay within. An idea of such an inner life was largely absent. Everything that I wanted could be found externally. This is where happiness and success could be found. But something was missing. How come all these external things, goals and successes did not measure up, and provide the happiness that I thought they would?
The man finds footprints for the ox. Maybe the Ox can be found. He follows them.
I felt like my inner light was being suffocated out. I needed to change something in my life to counter this feeling of emptiness and failure. The books I've been reading speak of an inner life that is just as important as all these exterior things. Others have suggested getting involved in some community activities; maybe a prayer group, or some meditation. My wife has suggested that I need to be more open in sharing what I am feeling, not to keep it all bottled up inside. Where does one begin? Have to start somewhere.
The man sees the shadow of the Ox far off in the thick forest. It’s hard to make out.
The recommended meditation time is twenty minutes, twice a day, morning and night. I’ll start with twenty minutes in the morning. Back straight, eyes closed, be silent and still, repeat a word and give it my full attention. Coordinate this with my breath. If I drift off into thought, I come gently back to my word. There are moments when I do experience an inner connection. I surrender to these inner movements. I learn to love my meditation time. But when I’m not meditating, everything again gets blurry and confusing. But I seem to be a bit more peaceful.
The man reaches the Ox. He can see the Ox more clearly now. There’s more internal rejoicing.
I’m now meditating twice a day. Who would ever believe that meditation could have such an affect. I even enjoy sharing my meditation experience with others, and some I even invite to the groups I attend. The authors of those meditation books I've read are describing what I am actually experiencing. I have started to attend some meditation retreats. They really get me in touch with that “inner presence”. At times, I even experience the stillness of an inner observer listening and looking out at all the crazy things going on around me. Sometimes I seem to be absorbed completely into a shining lake of light, and it's ecstatic.
The man holds the Ox by its horns, puts a halter on it, and struggles to lead it towards home.
I am doing meditation retreats quite frequently, sometimes seven days. After a few days, I am able to move into deep penetrating meditation, and I have this feeling of the old person falling away and this new person comes to the center. At times like this, I feel like I’m really living the life that I am intended to live. I would like to move away from all those exterior things that keep me so busy, but unfortunately, I have responsibilities. But when I return home after a retreat, I often slip back to where I was before, or so it seems. All my old constructs and boundaries seem to return and reassert themselves. I’ll just have to try harder. Maybe speak to someone.
The man rides on the back of the Ox as they continue towards home.
Something extraordinary happened. I decided to go on an extensive meditation retreat, and on the thirty-eight day, I had this experience of an energy at the base of my spine rising up through my body to the top of my head. I was filled with light. It wasn't painful, but very ecstatic and even erotic. So many changes are happening I can’t keep up with them. It’s like the flow of this energy is changing everything. Sometimes I feel like the whole world as I knew it before has collapsed and something new is coming into being, something better.
The man ties the Ox down in its place. And waits.
This whole kundalini experience is very liberating, but also a little confusing. I need time to understand and integrate this experience. I’m doing a lot of reading, writing, meditating. I’m beginning to take yoga to get grounded, to strengthen my body, and to learn more about what is happening to me. I’m trying to deal with all these physical and psychological changes. It seems like all the old constructs and boundaries have gone or changed.
The man is so full of joy that he starts playing on his flute.
What I had been searching for all these years was there all the time. I just had to discover it. Not only that. What I was searching for was really the true me all the time. What I now experience interiorly is what I now see and experience exteriorly. It’s like I am beginning see everything the way it really is. It’s like the old me is gone, and a new more wholesome me has come in its place.
An Empty Frame of the new man and Ox
No more constructs. No more images or models. No more cosmologies. No more Buddha. No more Christ. No more clouds. Clear sky. The enjoyer is the very source of the enjoyment. The seeker and the sought are one.
"The light of spiritual awareness, shining alone, far removed from sense faculties and sense objects, revealing in its essential body true eternity, not confined to words, detached from false objects. This is Pure Essential Reality."
Pai-chang
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